


Too Many Players - A Neri Wolf Story

by MercedMike



Series: Neri Wolf [3]
Category: Nero Wolfe - Rex Stout, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crossover, Fusion, Gen, Hobbits, Mystery, detectivfes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:01:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25974073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercedMike/pseuds/MercedMike
Summary: Lily Rowantree asks Archo Goodwine for help as her companion is suspected of murder. Archo gets Neri Wolf to take the case.
Series: Neri Wolf [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839007
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	Too Many Players - A Neri Wolf Story

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously these characters are based on Rex Stout's Nero Wolf books and set in the world of JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. Familiarity with these books is not necessary but will help with some of the "in jokes".

TWO MANY PLAYERS  
A Neri Wolf story  
by MercedMike

I was in the office when there was a light knocking on the door. Wolf was in the garden with Theodoric and Marigold was in her room for a quick nap before lunch. That left me to answer the door. To my surprise a small hobbit-lad stood there.  
“Is youse Archo Goodwine?” he demanded.  
“This is Neri Wolf's office and I am Archo Goodwin his confidential assistant,” I began, but he cut me off.  
“Dunno nuffink 'bout no Nasty Wolf, but if yo is Archo Goodwine, here!” he said as he thrust out a piece of pale blue stationary, somewhat the worse for his grubby hands. I reached into the bowl we keep by the door and handed him a sizable chunk of Marigold's maple pecan brittle. This reward seemed to satisfy him and he went off happily munching.  
I closed the door. I thought I recognized the stationary, and I did recognize the feminine hand in the address. I figured Lily Rowantree was confirming our date for this evening. But then I saw that the address read, “Archo Goodwin URGENT!!”  
Now Lily is a lady through and through and she would never put two exclamation points on anything so I knew she was really upset. I broke the seal and read her note. All it was said was, “It's terrible! I NEEDYOU!!!”  
Three exclamation points. I left a quick note on Wolf's desk and headed for Lily's place double quick.  
I knocked my special rap on the round front door and the it opened right away. Lily looked distraught and tears rolled down her cheeks. She grabbed me in a big hug and cried, “Archo, it's Maryjane. They took her away!”  
I returned the hug and patted her on the back. Maryjane Skyblue is Lily's companion/cook/maid/secretary/factotum (Wolf taught me that word “factotum”.) I held Lily tight and said, “Let's go in.” I led her to her big sitting room and perched her on the couch, with me next to her.  
I could see she was trying to pull her self together. The sobs slowed down, and she wiped her eyes with a dainty hankie.  
“Now,” I said, “tell me. Start at the beginning.”  
“Oh Archo, it's all my fault. I started it. I had written a note to Robin Hobtree, declining his invitation to play croquet. He is such a poor player and hates to lose,” she said,”and I asked Maryjane to deliver it. His house is just over the way,” she said.  
“ Maryjane left right away, but in over a hour she hadn't come back. I was looking out the door for her, when a grubby little man-child came running up and thrust a note in my hand. Archo, it was scribbled on toilet paper! It just said, 'In jail. HELP. Maryjane,' “  
I told her, “Don't worry. We have Bucca Muddyfoot on retainer. He is the best mouthpiece in Bree. I'll go right now and get him on the case.”  
She sniffled and said, “Oh, Archo, I knew you would take care of it!” and gave me a little smile that made it all worthwhile.  
I got Muddyfoot on his way to the jail and I went back to console Lily while we waited for his report. We sat on the couch and I put an arm around her shoulders and patted her when she sniffled. To be honest I would have been just as happy for Muddyfoot to take his time. It seemed very soon that the knock came at the door.  
I opened it and there stood Muddyfoot and with him was Maryjane! Lily squealed and hugged Maryjane and led her to the couch. Muddyfoot and I followed and sat down in the easy chairs.  
Lily said, “You poor dear. The first thing you need is a glass of wine!” She went to the sideboard and picked up an ornate elven bottle and poured wine for Maryjane and herself, and offered some to Muddyfoot and me. The lawyer waved it off, but I accepted gratefully.  
Maryjane sipped her wine quietly. Lily sat there and patted her hand. Lawyer Muddy foot said, “They were trying to hold her for murder, but I got them to change it to material witness. When I mentioned Miss Rowantree and Mr. Wolf, they decided she could be released into my custody.”  
“Material witness? Witness to what ?” Lily demanded.  
“I am afraid, to a possible hobbitcide,” murmured Muddyfoot quietly.  
“Murder?” cried Lily. “What in the world do you mean?”  
At this point I thought I had better butt in. “Excuse me, folks, but I wonder if you are going to need Mr, Wolf's help in this. He hates hysterical females, so you will have to pull yourself together, but maybe I can get him interested in this case. Give me a few minutes and I will see what I can do.”  
I headed out the door at a fast walk, and quickly tried to think of some way to get Wolf to take on a case right now. We had just collected a fat fee so he was unlikely to want to put his brain to work this soon. I discarded several ideas, and just as I reached our front door I settled on one. I walked into the office just as Wolf was returning from elevenses.  
Wolf glanced at me, and settled himself in the only chair in Bree which will hold his five stone satisfactorily. He began, “Archo, it is too bad you missed elevenses. Marigold made those little blueberry tarts you love so much with clotted cream.”  
I replied quickly, “That doesn't really matter. I came to tell you I am taking a leave of absence starting immediately. I don't know how long it will last. Might be a long time.”  
“Nonsense,” he replied. “You know that you are necessary around here. I won't let you do it.”  
“Well, then,” I said, looking at him coldly, “I quit. I don't work here any more. I will start clearing out my desk.” I opened a drawer and took a handful of papers out of it.  
Wolf regarded me coldly for a few minutes. I began to worry that he was calling my bluff. Then he said, “Pfui. Tell me what this is all about.”  
“I have to go right back to Miss Rowantree's house. Her aide Maryjane is sitting on the couch sobbing. Mr. Muddyfoot has just fetched her from the jail where she was being held as a material witness on a murder case. I'm going to help her however I can, which probably means investigating the murder. I know how you hate to do that so that is why I have to quit.”  
Wolf glared at me. Then he said, “Well, if you must investigate it, than you will need my assistance. Bring them all here at once. We can probably clear it up before lunch.”  
I breathed a sigh of relief. Right up to that moment I had figured five to one he wouldn't take the bait. But now he was committed and I felt better. I went back to Lily's house, and convinced them all to consult Wolf.  
I ushered them into the office, and I had a problem right away. Usually the client gets the red leather chair, but we had no client as yet. Lily solved it by plopping into that chair on her own. I decided the better part of valor was to let it be.  
I said, “Of course you know Mr. Muddyfoot and Lily … uh, Miss Rowantree. This is her assistant Maryjane Skyblue.” Maryjane was sniffling a bit and I hoped she would hold it together.  
Wolf glared at her and demanded, “Skyblue? What kind of hobbit-name is that?”  
I was afraid Maryjane was going to burst into tears, but Lily patted her hand and jumped to her defense. “That family has been around the Shire for generations. There aren't so many in Bree, but it is a perfectly good hobbit-name. I know you can be polite, you need to start now.”  
Even I don't talk to Wolf that way but Lily can get away with it.  
Wolf blinked, nodded, and said, “Very well. Let's get on with it. Mr. Muddyfoot, first the legal details?”  
Muddyfoot said, “I got to the jail, and they told me they intended to hold her on charges of the murder of Robin Hobtree. I discussed it with them and got it reduced to material witness, but Chief Watcher Heathstraw warned me she was still the principal suspect. She was found standing over the body. However he agreed to release her on the bond of Miss Rowantree.”  
“Pfui,” said Wolf. “Heathstraw always wants to arrest the first person he runs into. Well, Miss Skyblue, let's hear your story. Did you kill him?”  
Maryjane just barely held it together. “N-n-no, of course not. I took Miss Rowantree's note around to his house, but there was no answer when I knocked on the door. I thought I heard voices from the back yard, so I walked around there. Nobody was there, but the croquet ground was all set up. I was going to leave, but I saw something sticking out from under a bush. I went over to it. It was a bare hobbit foot, Mr. Wolf.”  
“Indeed. Go on,” said Wolf.  
Maryjane drew a deep breath and continued, “I went over and pushed the bushes aside. It was Mr. Robin! He was lying very still. I started to scream!” I could see Wolf wince at that remark. She went on, “I screamed and screamed, and suddenly a big man was there. It was that Second Watcher Broadleaf fellow. He took me by the arm and led me to one of the lawn chairs. Some other Watchers came in then, men and hobbits, and were all over the place. I told them what had happened and how I found him, but they took me off to that horrid jail. I didn't know what I was going to do until Mr. Muddyfoot came.”  
Wolf looked at Muddyfoot. “He is indeed dead?”  
Muddyfoot replied, “Very. He had been hit hard with some round object. It left a big dent in his skull. The Watchers are scouring the grounds for a possible weapon now.”  
Wolf leaned back and closed his eyes, but he only stayed that way for a few minutes. Then he said, “I must talk to the other three players. No doubt the Watchers are interrogating them now, but I hope we can get them here this afternoon. First we must have lunch. I trust you will all join us? Marigold can make omelets, I am sure.”  
Muddyfoot and Lily accepted readily. Maryjane said,”I have heard about your food, Mr. Wolf. It may be too strong for me.”  
“Nonsense,” Wolf said. “You must try it.” He rang the bell for Marigold.  
She came in, and he said, “We will be five for lunch, Marigold. Can you manage it?”  
Marigold thought a minute. “I have terrapin braised in ale almost ready, sir. I could serve small portions of that, and with it baked taters in cheese sauce. That should be a hearty lunch. Then there are fresh strawberries and I can make a quick cream sauce.”  
“Excellent,” Wolf replied. “You see, Miss Skyblue, just plain hobbit fare after all.”  
Maryjane sort of gulped but I could see she was willing to try it.  
While we waited for lunch, Wolf got the names of the other three players Lily thought had been invited, and then he questioned Maryjane about the details of her experience. How much of the body could she see? Could she see the head? Was it bloody? Did she count the croquet mallets and balls?  
Maryjane said, “Why would I have done that?”  
Wolf said, “It is a pity. But let us go on.” Then he went back to firing questions at her. Soon Marigold announced lunch so we all returned to the dining room. Of course there is no discussion of business at the table, so Wolf asked everyone's opinion of the new band “Hobbits and Back Again” that was playing a concert next week.  
When we returned to the office, Wolf looked at Lily and said, “I am afraid the Watchers think that Miss Skyblue is a suspect in the case. I can undertake to clear her, but it may be the only way to do that is to expose the true murderer. You know my fees are steep, Miss Rowantree. Even for a friend of Archo's, I must make a living. Are you prepared for that?”  
“Of course, Mr. Wolf. The workman is worthy of his hire,” she said frostily.  
Wolf told me, “Archo, have those three players here at 6:00.” He thinks I can do anything. So I went off on my errand while he continued getting Maryjane's story. It was not hard to find the three hobbit players. Of course they had been interrogated by the Watchers and weren't very happy, but I made it out as a special favor to Lily Rowantree and they grudgingly consented.  
I got back to the hobbit-hole just in time for tea. Maryjane looked worn to a frazzle but she tucked into the blueberry scones with clotted cream and salmon roe on toast points. After tea Wolf goes out to the garden, so I saw Maryjane and Lily back to Lily's place and then worked on the bookkeeping.  
Just before 6:00 the doorbell rang and the three players came in together. They were Rosebud Brandybuck, Harlo Sodbank, and Blanco Haymart, all well known respectable hobbits from good families. I put Miss Rosebud in the red leather chair and the other two on either side.  
Shortly, Wolf came in from the garden. He had a bunch of grapes and offered some to all the guests. As they munched he placed a single large sunflower in the vase on his desk. When he had it arranged to his satisfaction, he settled down in the only chair that really fits him and turned his attention to his guests. I performed the introductions. He greeted each one with a one quarter inch nod of his head.  
He began, “You have all been questioned by the Watchers in this unfortunate affair. I am sure you are tired of it. However, Miss Maryjane Skyblue has come under suspicion in this case, and I have undertaken to clear her name. It is likely that to do so I will have to discover the identity of the murderer. I appreciate your cooperation.”  
Blanco stared at him. “You think one of us did it, don't you?”  
Wolf returned his gaze. “Not at all. I have no idea at this point. I only know that for reasons that are sufficient to me, I am satisfied that Miss Skyblue did not do it. Tell me about your croquet game with Mr.Hobtree.”  
Rosebud said, “What about it? We played croquet. The Watchers did not seem interested at all.”  
Wolf replied, “They have their methods and I have mine. Now let's begin at the beginning.”  
Harlo started. “Well, we drove at the peg for first go. Robin won it so he knocked his ball toward the first wicket. I was next so I aimed for his ball, ad knocked it away from the wicket...”  
Taking turns they droned on and on. Now and them Wolf stopped them for clarification. Once he stopped to make sure what color each was playing. It went on and on.  
They got to the end of the game. Blanco was talking. “So … let me see...Robin drove for the last two wickets. Yes, it was, uh, sort of a long shot so he hit hard. That's right. His ball cleared the two wickets and hit the post, and that was it, I guess. He won, didn't he?” He looked around, and the others nodded enthusiastically. “So we all congratulated him, and went home. He was still standing in the yard looking at the croquet balls.” Again the others nodded enthusiastically.  
Wolf leaned back and closed his eyes. Rosebud started to say something,but I waved her to quiet. After only a minute or so, Wolf opened his eyes and said, “You have been very helpful. Thank you.” He motioned to me to see them out.  
I came back in the office and said, “What exactly are your good and sufficient reasons for thinking Maryjane is innocent? I know she looks it but I didn't see anything that was real evidence.”  
“That is simple, Archo. You like Miss Rowantree, and she thinks Maryjane is innocent. Therefore so do I.”  
I stared at him for a minute. I will never understand how his mind works.  
He then said, “Dinner in an hour. That should be plenty of time for you to round up Sol, Fredo and Orron and have them here for instructions.” Then he picked up his book, turned to his place marked by the dwarf-work silver bookmark from a grateful client, and began to read.  
He thinks I can find anybody. At least the three operatives we usually used were not that hard, I found Sol Plumtree and Fredo Darkwine where I expected them, at the table in the dark corner of the Prancing Pony. Orron Catcher was a little harder, but I checked with several of his known lady friends and ran him down sitting on a garden bench paying compliments to one of them. They all agreed to be at Wolf's office in two hours.  
I got back just in time for dinner. Marigold served us with turkey in giblet gravy, squash grilled with cheese, and carrot cake. Since no business talk is allowed during dinner, Wolf talked about the rumors of a dwarf-expedition to the lost Mines of Moria. He thought they might stir up nothing but trouble.  
After dinner, the three ops arrived. Fredo Darkwine is a good op because he is so average looking for a hobbit. Sol is small, dark with a big nose and very hairy feet, but in his beat up old hat nobody ever seems to notice him. Orron, who is a big man, was handsome enough that it sort of handicapped his work as a detective, but it compensated by his attraction to the ladies. Wolf trusted all of them.  
He gave the their instructions. “I want three hobbits followed. But this time, I don't care if you are noticed following them. It is just as well that you are. I would like to make them nervous, that's all. You can report back here at noontime. Archo will give you your assignments.”  
I described the three players. Sol took Blanco, Fredo got Harlo, and of course Orron wound up with Rosebud. They went their way, Wolf went back to his book, and I worked on the map of the garden.  
Next morning I had hardly begun my carrot juice, and the griddle cakes were just about ready, when there was a frenzied knocking on the door. I hurried to answer it, and Lily piled into my arms in tears. “Oh Archo they have arrested Maryjane. They are really going to lock her up this time.” I took my time consoling her, and then wrote a quick note to Muddyfoot. I stepped out the door and located a hobbit-lad who was happy to run the note over in return for a chunk of Marigold's walnut fudge.  
Then I took Lily into the kitchen and forced her to eat. Even in her frantic worry she could not turn down Marigold's griddle cakes with Shire butter and thyme honey. Then I took her in to the couch and found it necessary to take her in my arms again to continue consoling her.  
Before Wolf came in from the garden, Mr. Muddyfoot returned from the Bree Jail. He confirmed that Maryjane had been charged with murder and was locked up. This send Lily into another barrage of tears and she required more consoling. Muddyfoot looked on for a moment and then went out to sit in the office.  
Soon Wolf came in from the garden, and Lily and I went into the office. He took his time arranging some daffodils in the vase on his desk, and then listened to Muddyfoot's report.  
“I was afraid it was inevitable. Chief Watcher Heathstraw tends to jump on the first horse that gallops by. I am afraid I will have to do his job for him just to secure Maryjane's release. Pity. Well, now we can only wait for developments. Archo, why don't you show Miss Rowantree the flowers until it is time for elevenses? Mr. Muddyfoot and I will find some congenial topic to discuss.”  
I took Lily out to the garden. There were some really beautiful flower beds in bloom, carefully tended by Theodoric under Wolf's instructions. But I am afraid she did not really care to look at them. We whiled away the time a bit until Marigold put her head out and called us for elevenses. She only nibbled at the watercress and cream cheese sandwiches, sweet pickles, and raisin scones.  
After elevenses, I escorted Lily home. When I returned to the office the three ops were there, reporting. Each one of them said much the same. Letting their subject notice that they were being followed had resulted in increasing nervousness throughout the morning. By the time the surveillance ended all three were jumping at their own shadows.  
“Indeed,” said Wolf. “Satisfactory. You will not be needed further.”  
I paid off the three and showed them to the door. Sol asked me,”What is he up to this time, Archo?” I just shrugged.  
Before lunch time arrived, there was another pounding at the door. I answered it and found Chief Watcher Heathstraw on the step. “I want to see him NOW!” he bellowed.  
“You came at just the right time, Chief Watcher. You know his schedule by now.” I escorted him into the office.  
“What are you up to this time?” he demanded as soon as he entered.  
Wolf glared at him and said, “You know I like eyes at a level. Please sit down.”  
Heathstraw plopped onto the red leather stool we keep for the big folk. “You have had those three flatfeet out all morning throwing a scare into my suspects. What are you up to?”  
“Indeed, Chief, your suspects? I thought you had settled on Miss Skyblue. Why do you have her incarcerated?”  
“Well, uh ...” began Heathstraw. “Never mind that! What do you think you are doing, spooking those others?”  
Just at that moment there was a tentative knock at the door. I let Marigold answer it, and in a moment she came in and said, “The man about the chair.”  
That is our code word for someone connected with the current case. Wolf nodded at me, and I went out to the door.  
There they were on the step, all three of them. Balcho immediately demanded, “We need to see Wolf!” Rosebud said, “Shush, Balcho. Mr. Goodwin, the three of us have something to say to Mr. Wolf, if you please.”  
I said, “Let me check.” I left them standing on the stoop and closed the door. I tore a piece out of my notebook and wrote on it All three of them. Returning to the office I put it in front of Wolf.  
He glanced at and said, “I can't look at the chair until after lunch, Archo. Tell the man so.” So I went to the door, and told the impatient trio to come back in two hours. They tried to protest, but I said, “That is the way it is. Then, or never.”  
I went to the office, and Wolf was saying to Heathstraw, “I owe you no explanation. But I will invite you to come back in one hour and three quarters and we can see what develops.” Heathstraw blustered and complained but finally agreed.  
As soon as he left, Wolf said, “There is just time to invite Miss Rowantree back for lunch.” So I hotfooted it to Lily's place and we arrived just as Wolf sat down at the table. As usual Wolf would not talk business, no matter how Lily tried, so we discussed the Big vs Little golf tournament coming up. Of course we hobbits believe that golf was invented when Bullroarer Took knocked a goblin's head off, so we thought we had the advantage.  
After lunch, Heathstraw was knocking at the door. Wolf went to the door himself, and said, “You know of the alcove behind the picture. If you sit in there, we may learn something. I am not sure what. Miss Rowantree, please join us in the office.”  
We got settled in the office. I had no idea what to expect, or whether Wolf did himself. The knock on the door was answered by Marigold, who showed the three players in. Again I put Miss Rosebud in the red leather chair. Wolf nodded at her.  
She looked down and then up and then around. Finally she started in. “Well, we know you had us all followed this morning. You are the best detective in Bree or the Shire, and sooner or later you will find out something. So we decided to tell you about the end of the game.”  
Wolf said, “Indeed. I rather thought so. Mr. Haymart was rather unsure of himself talking about it before. Please go on.”  
She continued,”Well, we told you how the game went. But we didn't say that at the end, Robin's ball was not very well positioned for the final winning shot. He tried to distract us by pointing out a passing bird, but one of us caught him ootzing the ball over with his foot! We knew he did that all the time, and peeked at the cards at bridge, and nudged the dice in games, and it just made us so mad. I am afraid we all lost our tempers, and began to yell at him. And then it happened. One of us swung a croquet mallet at him, just to scare him. But he dodged the wrong way and got hit. He fell over into a bush, and we were all so afraid that we dropped our mallets and ran! That's what we didn't tell you. We really did not know he was dead. We didn't mean that.”  
“Indeed,” said Wolf. “So clearly Miss Maryjane is innocent. But which one of you struck the fatal blow?”  
Balcho spoke up.”She told you it was an accident. We have agreed together to say no more.”  
Wolf said, “You know you may each be charged as accessories.”  
Balcho repeated, “We will say no more.”  
At that the door opened and Heathstraw appeared. “We will see what you say after a while in jail. You will all wait right here while I send for some Watchers.”  
“And,” Wolf said, “send someone to direct Miss Skyblue's release immediately, I trust.”  
Heathstraw growled, but he said, “I suppose so.”  
After that it was just a matter of clearing up things. The three players were carted off by the Watchers. We knew they were in for a hard time but in the end would probably come out with no more than a reprimand and a fine if they stuck to their story. An attorney would argue that an uncorroborated admission is not sufficient for a conviction.  
Very soon Maryjane came running in and threw herself into Miss Rowantree's arms. So that was taken care of.  
Heathstraw glared at Wolf. “So you took care of your client, and left me with a mess. What do you think I can do now?”  
“That,” said Wolf smugly, “is your business, Chief Watcher. Good day.”


End file.
